Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
