I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
