Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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