I accidentally had phone sex last night
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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