i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Boobs speak an international language.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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