He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
