This is not my ceiling
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
