I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
