Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize