It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
