The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
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