a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
