Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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