I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I need mimosas to revive my soul
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
