I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
