You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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