Me too!
Pants 0. Shit 1.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
