WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
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