my sisters under your porch take her home
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
