I can text with my tongue
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
