there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
