I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
