You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
