so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
