that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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