my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize