Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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