I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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