apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She told me I should be a condom model.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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