he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
