i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
