how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
