I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
