How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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