My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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