Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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