That's intense
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
