Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
