I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
