make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
