how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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