hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
