We're like a lot better than the average bears
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
