Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
