I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
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