I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
