I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
