I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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