My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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