you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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