Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
