The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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