I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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