he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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