Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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