Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
