dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
