I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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