remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
