dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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