I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
