I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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