I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
