o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just invented taco cereal.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
