God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
