Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Two words: blizzard sex
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
