If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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